What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 23.06.2025 00:54
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
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His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
I never cut or harmed myself..
She married twice! .
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Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
My life is so biszare .
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This is how, and why children get BPD.
I don,t even have a pension.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
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He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Im dying but, im not bitter.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
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I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
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But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
But it wasn’t much.
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And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
What’s the worst thing you caught anyone in your family doing?
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
She was in good health!
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
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One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
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I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
She found it foreign!.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
One cannot live in the past .
So whats the point in blame.
And i lived it daily.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
I said to her
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
I know ,a lot about trauma.
All the time i was locked up.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Why did i forgive my father ?
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
When she asked me how she looked .
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
She wouldn,t have been !
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
What did i know ?
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
I was scared of men, in general
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
As i do to all so called friends.?
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
I write beautiful poetry .
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
This is soul school!.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
I could never make a relationship work though!
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
We all went to grammer schools
I think the readers, may guess!
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
I will be 64.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Especially a lifetime of it.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Put me off passion for life!!
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Who then, do I blame.?
Comes on , in middle age.
But, we were locked up after school.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
(And it was in our own minds.)
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
It was going to be , some day.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
And who doesn’t know suffering?
I have no regrets .
Ive learnt so much.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
My family never makes their pension either.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
But ive been too sick for many years..
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Im still living with it.
I waited trembling.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
She loved him until the end.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
I was very sick at this time too.
So, i spoilt her more .
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
I couldn’t, believe it.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
I did it because my mum asked me too!
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
He resisted the act ,that day.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
I was 9 years of age.
Was to survive, this bastard.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
He knew the spot.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
I was seconnd youngest,
Would this be the day?
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
We were not on the streets..
On the 31st of Jan this month .
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.